Where's Lee?
by Darth-Taisha
Summary: When idiocy meets intolerance, bad things are bound to happen. Setting, Naruto's birthday party. Crack fic/humor, all the gang.


**Where's Lee?**

**Co-written with budd-tase08**

**Disclosure**: Don't own it, wish I did. I'd be making some big ass changes if I did.

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**Time frame:** Sometime after Sasuke leaves the village, but before Naruto Shippuden. (Is that vague enough for you?)

**Summary:** When intolerance meets idiocy, bad things are bound to happen…

It all started at the end of training, when Guy-sensei was giving his usual lecture on the power of youth. Lee was obsessively attentive, as usual, while Neji and Tenten stared at the trees, with identical glazed looks of boredom on their faces.

"Remember team, the hidden lotus blooms twice and don't mess up your hair," Guy-sensei quipped with a serious face and then after a moment of silence began to laugh at his own joke. "Ha-ha-ha!"

"Good one, Sensei!" He said automatically, blinded by admiration for his idol. Giggling a little to himself, he began scribbling the joke down furiously in his notebook.

Rigid with annoyance, Neji and Tenten glared at both of them. Their tolerance level for being around those two was coming to a breaking point and they were itching to leave.

When their esteemed sensei finally stopped laughing, he reminded them to meet at the Ichiraku Ramen shop for Naruto's birthday party.

"See you around eight," Guy yelled with a thumbs up sign and a shiny grin, just before he vanished.

Walking around the Leaf Village...

Lee continually rambled on about the power of youth. It was youth this and youth that and it was pissing Neji and Tenten off. So, blithely ignoring him, they started their own conversation.

"So what are you getting Naruto for his birthday?" Tenten asked Neji.

"I don't know?... I heard all he eats is ramen, so maybe I will just buy him a case of instant ramen," Neji responded aloofly as if he really could care less about Naruto.

"What about you?"

"Well, I bet he needs some new ninja tools and since I am a weapons specialist, I know just what to get him." Tenten told him confidently, knowing she was going to buy him the perfect gift.

"...And that's how you become one hundred percent youthful," Lee said closing his monologue, completely oblivious to the fact that they were ignoring him. He then changed his subject. "So what are you guys getting Naruto for his birthday?"

They sighed and repeated to him what they just told each other.

As he was listening to them, Lee stared off into the distance before a wild light shone in his eyes. "I know...a poem! I will write him a poem on youthful paper and maybe a youth..."

"Damn it Lee! Shut the hell up with your incessant youthful crap!" Neji yelled interrupting Lee.

"Now, now Neji, it is not very youthful to swear," Lee said shaking his head reprovingly.

"Oh yeah, fu..."

"Neji, let me handle this," Tenten offered calmly stepping in between them.

Reaching into her pocket, she took out a picture of her and the other girls in bikinis. He stared at it blankly as it had no effect on him.

"Tenten, gawking at half-naked girls is also very unyouthful," Lee lectured her sternly.

At his unnatural behavior, Tenten stood there still as a statue sweat dropping.

"Well, I am off to get some nice colorful paper, bye!" Lee ran off yelling.

"Goodbye," Neji sighed in relief. "He was really starting to piss me off!"

He looked over at Tenten, grateful there was at least one normal person on their team besides him.

"Well, I better go buy Naruto's birthday gift, bye Neji," Tenten said.

"I will see you later," Neji said as he headed off to the market to buy some ramen for that dumbass Naruto.

Meanwhile at Lee's house...

"Yes, I am finished!" Lee folded up the bright blue paper with an assortment of colorful flowers. He looked up and stumbled on a few pictures of himself in a cheerleader costume from Halloween last year. His round eyes lit up with joy.

"Yes! Another perfect gift!" He yelled out excitedly pumping his fist in the air. He was going to give Naruto some ryo (money) but decided these pictures would be much better.

After neatly putting the picture in the envelope, Lee said to himself self-righteously, "a reminder that youth is more precious than money."

Glancing at his watch he looked at the time and noted it was almost time for the party.

"Yosh! I had better go and meet Neji and Tenten at the training field."

At the training field...

"Where's Lee?" Tenten asked looking around her in irritation as they waited for their annoying team-mate to show up.

"Who cares," Neji said coldly. "I swear if he mentions youth one more... time I will kill him!"

"I'm with you on that one," Tenten added with long-suffering exasperation tinging her voice.

"Neji, Tenten!" Lee shouted loudly as he met up with them, he was grinning with barely contained excitement about going to the party and the gifts he had for Naruto.

Neji and Tenten groaned and immediately covered their ears.

"Come on, we must go—it would be very unyouthful to be late," Lee said lecturing them as he turned to leave.

Eyes twitching, Neji and Tenten instantly jumped up the instant he said "youth."

Neji and Tenten angrily stalked towards Lee grabbing a chakra string and a phone. (Yes, out of thin air...don't ask me how!)

"Hey, what are you guys doing!?" Lee asked nervously, then began screaming girlishly as they tied him up, before they finally shoved a gag in his mouth.

Later at Naruto's birthday party...

"H-here, have this… Naruto-kun," Hinata stammered while shyly giving him some ointment.

"Gee thanks, Hinata," Naruto yelled with extra loudness. "I am running out from the last one you gave me."

At his thanks, she blushed furiously and hid behind Kiba and Akamaru.

"Yo, Naruto," Kiba greeted him.

"I got you…" he said with a grin as if he was giving him a million ryo and then reached from behind his back he held out a hound. "Your very own ninja hound."

Naruto looked at the dog in shock, thinking the pug looked very familiar to him. When suddenly it dawned on him.

"Pakkun!" Naruto yelled in confusion.

"Hey, for the last time I am not a stray," Pakkun growled at Kiba. "I belong to Kakashi Hatake."

Disregarding the hound's protests, Kiba patted him on the head. "Aw, who's a fiesty dog," Kiba said babying Pakkun. "Who wants a bone? I know, you do."

Finally losing his temper, Pakkun tried to bite him before vanishing with a growl.

"Don't mind Kiba," Shino said ascerbically as he stepped up near Naruto. "He thinks he's the only one who can understand dogs."

"Here, I put some of my insects in an ant farm for you. Use them wisely," Shino said firmly as handed Naruto the ant farm container.

"Uh, thanks Shino," Naruto said uncomfortably, he was unsure what to do with such a gift. He was going to ask Shino how to take care of them when Shino disappeared.

"Ah, he vanished, but he left you a keychain..." Kiba said loudly. "...Um here." Kiba threw him the keychain before running off.

"Uh...okay?" Naruto said and scratched his head before setting the ant farm and the keychain down.

The next group was Asuma's team. Strangely he was holding a leash and Choji was tied to the end of it.

In his other hand the jonin had an awesome looking birthday cake. Shikamaru and Ino were also with him and Ino was carrying a bright bouquet of flowers.

"Happy birthday Naruto!" They all said in unison except for Choji, who was straining against the leash and muttering with foam coming out of his mouth, "Cake, cake,... CAKE!"

Smugly, Ino handed him the cake and flowers, "I baked the cake and supplied the flowers, but it's really from everyone," she bragged.

"Uh, why is Choji on a leash?" Naruto asked while staring at the plump ninja with a confused look on his face.

"Oh, that was to prevent him from attacking Asuma and eating the cake," Shikamaru answered with a yawn, looking extremely bored by the whole thing.

Shrugging, "Uh, okay, well thanks for the cake and the flowers," Naruto said already forgetting about Choji being on a leash.

"Well, enjoy the party!" he told them before they went to mingle.

Kakashi and Guy then appeared in front of Naruto after Asuma's team left.

"Sorry we're late, I just got a present for you in the mail from Sasuke," said Kakashi as he held out the present.

Naruto beamed. "Sasuke, gimme!" Naruto yelled, grabbing the package and after ripping off the paper he held it out in front of him, and examined it.

"Aww, it's an alarm clock… that Sasuke…he _is_ my best friend," he said tearing up a little and shook his fist in the air and made a grim declaration (number 99 to date) to his friend wherever he was.

"Now I'll promise to try even harder to bring you back, Sasuke!"

Tick-tock-tick-tock…click.

"Naruto!" Kakashi yelled as he suddenly ripped the alarm clock out of his grasp and hurled it away from them. It exploded in mid-air, forcing everyone to duck and cover.

After the dust settled around them, Kakashi scratched the back of his head and said, "Oops, I probably should have checked it out better."

"Uh yeah," Guy said nudging him slightly while rolling his eyes. "Read the card."

In big letters Sasuke had written, "DIE NARUTO!" and signed his name to it so he would know it was from him.

Looking over and seeing Naruto was getting ready to cry like a little girl, Kakashi handed him his gift.

Naruto's face brightened instantly when he saw what was inside the box, it was a mask, just like one Kakashi-sensei wore.

"Awesome!" Naruto yelled and tried to give his sensei a hug. Deciding, not in this lifetime, was he going to allow that to happen, Kakashi quickly vanished.

Guy-sensei strutted over to Naruto while reaching his hand into a small bag. "Remember that suit I gave you before you went to look for the fifth Hokage," he reminded him with a huge grin. "Well, you left it, and I will never have a more perfect chance to give it back to you than now, so here," Guy said as he handed Naruto the same green bodysuit that he and Lee wore.

"S-weet!" Naruto yelled excitedly. "I'll go put it on right now!"

Everyone, except for Guy and Naruto groaned and cringed at the mental picture that conjured up.

Rolling her eyes with extreme bitchiness, Sakura said, "Oh great, like we need another Lee around."

Neji and Tenten finally arrived and lightened the mood of the party which was sinking rapidly with every gift that was given.

"Hey guys," Tenten said nonchalantly pretending she wasn't covered with dirt and the presents they had didn't look as if they had been dragged through the mud.

"Happy birthday Naruto," Tenten said smugly giving Naruto her present. She just knew that her gift was going to be the best one given.

"Wow, heat seeking kunais, thanks Tenten," Naruto said with huge eyes before they shifted over to Tenten's repressively silent team-mate. "And what did you get me Neji?"

Looking extremely uninterested and a little like he was being forced to be there, Neji handed him the present.

"Instant ramen, awesome! Thanks Neji."

"Oh and here's Lee's present," Neji said offhandedly, while glancing at Tenten with a small eye roll as he gave him the present.

"WTF? A poem!?" Naruto yelled with extreme loudness while holding the paper out in front of him as if it was a poisonous viper that was going to bite him any minute. "...And why is he in a cheerleader costume?...Ew, no one wants _that_ for a present," he shuddered as he showed everyone the picture and collectively they all looked like they were going to hurl.

"Where is Lee anyway?" Guy-sensei asked obtusely as his eyes quickly scanned the area looking for him.

"Oh… he isn't feeling very well right now," Tenten replied back while looking at the ground trying to contain her laughter. "I don't think he will be able to make it to the party."

Back at the training field...

Lee was straining and struggling desperately against the super tight ropes they had used to tie him to a training post. They had secured him with heavy-duty ropes, to be doubly sure he wouldn't be able to escape. Because in front of him an ugly, old stripper was dancing and bouncing around.

_T-this is extremely unyouthful... and not to mention, torturing!_ He thought as he screamed for her to "please stop!" Lee didn't know the stripper was deaf.

"You want some more... well okay," she said shrugging with a toothless grin as she moved closer to him. When she took off her bra and began rubbing herself against him, Lee screamed like a girl and passed out.

Back at Naruto's party...

"Did you hear something Neji?" Naruto asked vacantly with a frown on his face.

Neji glanced at Tenten, who was struggling desperately not to laugh, shook her head no.

"Oh well, let's chow down." Naruto said loudly and a fist pump.

The old man handed out the ramen and everyone, including Akamaru enjoyed the best ramen in town.

The end...

**Author's Note:** Crack fic. I know this is not the best written fic by any means and super cliché. I also had a problem with the spacing and I could not get it fixed, so please forgive me. It was written a while ago and I thought it should be reposted. Please let me and Budd-tase08 know what you think of it.


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